


Hard to find

by Ilyasviel



Series: ME Prompts! [5]
Category: Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: F/M, Fluff and Angst, prompt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-12
Updated: 2017-09-12
Packaged: 2018-12-27 06:31:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,180
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12075453
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ilyasviel/pseuds/Ilyasviel
Summary: After Virmire, Shepard feels lost. Will be Kaidan able to save her?





	Hard to find

**Author's Note:**

> SchizoidFreak is the one to blame for the idea :P
> 
> Alphabet prompt: T: “Titanium is easy to find compared to this.”

They left Virmire an hour ago, and Shepard has had a long chat with the Council. They have orders to rendezvous with the rest of the fleet at the Citadel. When she has finished the call, she had contacted Joker and asked him to take the long route to the Citadel.

Five minutes later, Shepard appeared on the cargo bay, wearing sweatpants and a tank top, ready to workout. She stops in the middle of the area, just in front of Ashley’s table and raises her voice for everyone to hear it. “I need the cargo bay empty for the next hour.” When Garrus is about to say something, she just shakes her head, silencing him. Wrex moves to engineering to talk with Adams, and soon the cargo is completely empty except for the Chief Engineer, who is locked in the Core room.

Once she is alone, she lets her powers flare, the anxiety of the combat and everything that happened on Virmire is like a wire inside of her, and every ticking second tenses it, threatening to break her self-control. Moving to her locker, she tries to ignore the pang of pain looking at Ashley's. Closing her eyes, she takes a breath, opening the door and recovering the training balls. She sits in the middle of the floor and let her power flow through her, picking the balls from the ground and making them dance in front of her eyes. This exercise always relaxed her, making her brain stop thinking about what was eating her. But this time… It isn't working. She feels the pang of pain in her heart, the pressure on her heart that keeps her from breathing, the sting of unshed tears in her eyes. The balls begin to tremble mid air, some of them falling to the floor with a thud. At last, just one remains in the air, and the tears have found their way out and run freely over her cheeks. The last ball fall, the sound of it is lost between her sobs. White knuckled fist resting on her thighs, face low while the tears fall on her arms and hands.

She didn't know how long has she been there, but it feels like she hasn't any more tears to shed. But what must be a good thing for other people, isn't for her, because the pure feeling of pain masked the rest. It helped to cover the guilty, the dreading feeling of having failed her, of having chosen the long straw for her knowing what it will mean for Ash. Hatred begins to run freely throughout her veins, making her body tremble. Her fingers twitch, dreaming of having something to hit, someone to kill.

The door to the cargo bay opens, and she even needs to look to know who it was. Her powers resonate with his in a way she never felt before. “Alenko, I ordered to let the area free for an hour, which includes you.” She can barely suppress the cold tone that the hate she feels from herself put to her voice.

Kaidan sighs, but didn't leave. “And an hour you had. In fact, more than an hour.”

Fighting against her numb legs, she stands, picking the balls from the ground and storing them again in her locker. When she closes it, her eyes stop on Ashley’s locker. Her name is still on it, as her things. The Bible, the poems books she likes to read to her, the vids her sisters send her every month. Raising a hand to her cheek, she finds more tears, and can barely suppress a sob before Kaidan is there, hugging her. The pressure on her chest came back, doubled, taking from her the ability to breathe. Kaidan cups her face in his hands, keeping her gaze centred in him. “Look at me, Jane. Breath. In and out. Come on, do it for me.”

With all the self-control she can muster, she grasps the hem of his shirt and tries to take a deep breath. The first one sounded ragged, broken between sobs, but the next one was better, and the next, and the next one, until her breathing is matched with his, even when tears keep flowing, totally uncared for. Hiding her face on his chest, she let her heart talk, for a change. “She's gone, Kaidan. She is dead because I'm a selfish woman and I chose you over her.”

His grasp on her tightens, crushing her on his chest. “Don't go there, Jane. You can be a lot of things, but none of them is selfish. How much of yourself have you lost already? How much are you willing to give?”

“But--”

With a kiss on her temple, he picks her in his arms, the energy to fight him lost in the last minutes. Bringing her to one of the crates near the area where the Requisition officer stays, he sits her on it. “No buts here, Jane. If someone has to feel awful, it has to be me. Is my life the one she saved, is my skin what you decided to protect. Besides, she even made time to send me a short message, knowing what will happen.” Raising his arm, he opens his omnitool and puts it in front of her eyes.

“Kaidan,

Don't let my present go to waste. What you have with her… God, Kaidan, Titanium is easy to find compared to this. Fight with her, then fight for her, and in the end, be the light of her life.

Take care of Skipper for me.   
Ash.”

Her eyes close after reading the words, dreading to look at him, knowing that she will break again with the onslaught of feelings her weak heart is having. But he didn’t give her time to recover or think. His hand cups her face, thumb caressing her lower lip. “After today, I don’t want to let my head dictates what I can do or when. I’ve been in love with you since the day we meet, and my stupid heart says that I loved you even before, like I have been waiting for you to come back. We have survived some hellish days, but everything has led to this very moment. I will not wait anymore. I will not risk it again. Jane, will you let me help you to heal your heart? Maybe between the two of us, we can make a whole one?”

Kaidan feels her shuddering under his touch, and closes the distance, leaning his forehead on hers. “I’m not asking for anything, Jane. I just wanted to tell you, because life is short and I don’t want to go with those words inside.”

Opening her eyes, she raises a hand to touch his face. “Kaidan, I--”

Joker’s voice filled the cargo bay. “Commander, ETA to the Citadel, fifteen minutes.”

They sigh together, grinning while moving away. Kaidan helps her to stand and plants a kiss on her head. “Later?”

With a nod, she rubs her eyes to clean a bit the shed tears. “Later.”


End file.
